New World Order: Pork Doughnuts

To promote its expansion into China, Dunkin’ Donuts has hired LeBron James as a pitchman.

More interesting, though, was the announcement that Dunkin’ Donuts would be offering pork doughnuts in its Chinese stores.

I repeat: pork doughnuts.

You may ask, “How can you do this?” From what I can determine after an extensive two-minute search on the Internet, the pork doughnut is essentially a regular jelly doughnut but instead of jelly, pulled pork is put inside. There were also photos of variations where a regular doughnut was sliced in two and served as the bread for a pork sandwich.

For someone who loves both doughnuts and pulled pork all I want to know is how I can get one of these. It could be horrible, but I suspect that this would probably taste like a sweet and sour pork sandwich.

If you put it on a stick, this would sound like something you would buy at the state fair.

A couple of years ago, a brilliant entrepreneur decided to sell hamburgers with Krispy Kreme doughnuts used for the buns. To my knowledge, it hasn’t replaced a cheeseburger from the American psyche.

What is unfortunate is that the pork doughnut will only be available in China, where a Dunkin’ Donuts corporate official said it was part of the local cuisine. I suspect this isn’t the real reason China gets pork doughnuts and we don’t — this is just the latest weapon in our fight against communism.

Let’s go to the facts, shall we? More and more Americans are becoming obese, leading to upticks in the incidence of heart disease and diabetes. The president’s wife and a bunch of other nanny types want us to stop eating this junk because of the incredible health care costs associated with obesity.

China has spent years building its own economy by virtually enslaving its children to build Nike shoes and iPods.

In order to stop China’s march toward world domination, we’re sending them our doughnuts, and we’re throwing in pulled pork just to make sure the job gets done.

Soon, we’ll be opening Cracker Barrel restaurants in downtown Beijing. The French used to complain about creeping Americanism in their country, with the youth of France buying up our movies, music and, yes, our fast food. They felt that all our bad habits would destroy their culture.

The Chinese, though, don’t seem to mind that our culture, such as it is, has gained a foothold in their country. In fact, they are probably working right now at cheaper knockoffs that violate our trade laws.

But the joke is on them. It may take years, but eventually our fast food culture will bring down communism. Have you ever heard of a fat communist? You soon will. Years from now, the Chinese will need their own Jared from Subway.

This strategy is fraught with complications, though. It could take years before the Chinese health care system is in disarray. For an American politician, thinking in the long term is difficult. For me, though, I am willing to cast my vote for the political party that has the courage to stay the course on this important operation.

Our way of life defends on it.

Of course, I’d probably vote for anyone who could get me one of those pork doughnuts. I know where my loyalties lie.