Classic Rory

This is a "classic" Mountain View Telegraph column of mine from 2008. Sorry for no original content today, I'm up to my eyeballs in other things that need to be done, such as take the garbage to the dump, go to the grocery store, shoot some Easter egg hunt photos for the paper and spend a little time working on some other writing projects. -Rory

I’m thinking of applying for a new job, one that pays well with little actual work involved.

That’s what we all dream of, isn’t it?

I believe the perfect job for me would be that of vice president. I hear there is an opening coming up. I’ll state right off the bat that I would be willing to serve for either presidential nominee and will change my voter registration accordingly. I only ask that I be excused from any actual campaigning; I don’t care much for traveling or being on television. Actually, if either candidate could just hold the job open until after the election, that would be great. I can say with certainty that I’d be a pretty good vice president because I’d pretty much stay out of the way of any real work, so I wouldn’t muck up anything.

The vice presidency was once described by John Nance Garner, who held the office for Franklin Delano Roosevelt, as not being “worth a bucket of warm (spit).” Garner actually said a much worse word, but we won’t go into that. John Adams, the first vice president, described the job as “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.”

The problem, though, wasn’t with the job. It’s that Adams and Garner, along with just about every vice president except Harry Truman, were ambitious men unable to appreciate their good fortune.

With me that is clearly not the case. I have no desire to be president, and if asked to serve I will decline. I’ve been around long enough to see what that job does to people. No, thanks!

But I would be willing to serve as vice president. The job pays $208,100 a year, offers a $10,000 expense account and a place to live in the nicer part of Washington, D.C. The job duties, as enumerated in the 12th Amendment to the Constitution, are that the vice president presides over the Senate and fills in for the president when he is incapacitated, which has happened only three times in more than 200 years. In addition, I would become the big guy if the president dies or resigns from office. I’d quit first before I’d let that happen.

As president of the Senate, the vice president can hand off day-to-day operations to the president pro tempore, so you won’t see me hanging around there. I also learned from my limited research that the vice president usually serves on a couple of boards, one required. That’s cool; I’ve spent years of attending city council meetings. As long as the chairs are comfortable, I can handle it.

One important duty of the vice president to break tie votes in the Senate.

If I did have to cast a tiebreaking vote, I can assure Americans that I have a foolproof system. In my pocket I carry three presidential dollar coins, Washington, Jefferson and Adams. Normally, I flip a coin when confronted on an indecision over what to have for lunch or whether to buy a video game, but the method could certainly be used to break a tie vote in the Senate. That can’t be any worse than the way decisions are made now anyway, can it?

So when I get the job, y’all are invited to come to Number One Observatory Circle, the 9,150-square-foot home that serves as the official residence of the vice president, for a visit. I’ll need the company to fill my days. But don’t show up before noon — I’ll probably still be in bed.