Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Do we miss Harry Potter?

On my desk, I have a quote from the great author Roald Dahl. It reads: “And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”
The quote is there to remind me to be constantly on the search for magic, because it is truly special when you see it. And being a fan of Dahl’s since I could read, that magic always found a way into the words he wrote.
Dahl died in 1990, which was seven years before Harry Potter was unleashed on the world. A cursory reading could lead you to believe that there isn’t much in common between “James and the Giant Peach” and the Potter novels, but you would be mistaken. At the core of most Dahl books and the world of Hogwarts are stories about friendship, loyalty and tenacity to do the right thing when doing otherwise would be much easier.
They also are about believing in the hidden magic surrounding our lives.
It was about 3 a.m.on a Friday a couple of years ago when my wife and oldest son made it home after a midnight screening of the latest, and last, Harry Potter movie.
I rolled over, acknowledged they were home, happy they safely found their way back and returned to my slumbers. And in the intervening week, I’ve been told how “awesome” the movie is, and how sad it is that the series is over.
No more Harry Potter and his friends, except of course for all the books and DVDs which will be around for the rest of my life.
Am I sad it’s all over? Not especially; I think J.K. Rowling, who wrote the books, was wise to end it all with everyone wanting more. It remains to be seen whether she will keep her promise and let the work stay finished. After all, Arthur Conan Doyle brought back Sherlock Holmes after he had killed him. Edgar Rice Burroughs kept bringing back Tarzan, and do I need to go into the whole “Star Wars” fiasco?
I wouldn’t call myself a “fan” of Harry Potter, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the books, and, to a lesser extent, the movies. I’ve read all the books a couple of times, the first to make sure that they were appropriate to read to my oldest son when he was little, the second to him directly and the third time to my youngest son.
It’s a good, epic story of good versus evil and it is fairly well-written and engaging. The Harry Potter books are highly derivative of English boarding school novels as well as “Lord of the Rings.” As juvenile fiction, it is nearly perfect; its protagonists have special powers, get to carry deadly weapons and confront strange creatures. Its young characters, we are told, are all special in some way despite their own failings. How could all of this not appeal to a kid?
The first book, “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” was unleashed on the public in the summer of 1997. Later that year, my oldest son was born, so we didn’t really get to reading the books for a couple of years, but it does seem that as long as there have been children in our house, Harry’s been there as well.
One year, the oldest dressed as Harry for Halloween, complete with a Hogwarts robe, round glasses and a scar drawn on his forehead. The costume was recycled a year or two later when the youngest decided that he would dress as Ron Weasley, Harry’s best friend. (I secretly cheered because I’ve always had an affinity to sidekicks, best friends and little brothers.)
Each time, I fashioned a “wand” to go with the costume, and through the years have had them pointed at me while a child screamed a spell at me, “Expelliarmus!” Sometimes, I would act as if the spell actually worked.
While I’m not a fanatic for the series and I hope to one day never have to read it again — you start to see the author’s idiosyncrasies after awhile — I would not discourage anyone from letting their children read them.
While the whole premise is that there are witches and wizards out there who really fly on broomsticks and make potions, the real appeal is encouraging readers to seek magic in the most unlikely of places.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Ch-ch-changes


This day started 51 minutes ago with a dog waking me by licking my hand. She had to go out a pee and since I have a bunch of things to do today, I determined that my canine alarm clock had done its job.
It's Sunday, which the Bible says is a day of rest. This being modern times, there is very little resting going on. There are chores to do and I dived into cleaning of the dirty dishes, left over from several days of neglect. In our house, an anticipation of the weekend is a good reason to let dishes and garbage pile up. I act as if this really annoys me, but usually do little to combat the problem. After a work week, I usually just want to relax. That makes for a wasted Saturday, and by Sunday, I feel the weight of my guilt for not trimming the weeds around the house, cleaning out the shed and, yep, doing the dishes.
Cleaning dishes doesn't bother me that much other than it seems like it has to be done too frequently. I imagine I'll be finishing this day by doing the dishes. But this morning I didn't mind. It was quiet, everyone was still in bed. The sun was just coming up over the ridge to our little valley in a fiery orange. The light was reflected off the remnants of storm clouds in the north and you could just tell by looking that summer is winding down.
That doesn't hurt my feelings in any way – I'm generally not a big fan of summer with its heat and bugs and sunburns. Fall is my season and with this one I know change is on the way. I can feel it like an anxiety nagging in the pit of my stomach. I've got a sense of what changes are coming because they've already started. Some are being forced upon me and my family, others I've tried to control myself the best I can.
This will be the fourth major change in my life, and they always seem to come in 10-year increments in birthday years that end in eight. That means I faced changes when I was 18, 28, 38 and now that I'm 48, it's on again. Change is constant, I know this, but as humans we like to have some things remain the same – it gives us comfort. I can deal with those small changes and for the most part welcome them. The major changes, though, can sometimes take years to occur and the outcomes are sometimes questionable.
When I was 18, I joined the US Air Force. That's a pretty jarring change in lifestyle, but the transition from high school student to Airman Rory started months before the first drill instrucotr was yelling at me. It started with my parents separation and divorce in which I went from the relative comfort of a two-parent home to having to work so I'd have money for rent and food in a matter of weeks. The Air Force was a welcomed change.
But the next 10 years was spent following my whims, which was pretty much involved either a party or a girl. I won't deny it; I had fun. But I had no depth, no plans; and by 28 I realized I had to change that. I had to grow up and do something about my life, otherwise I was going to end up being that middle-aged barfly everyone make fun of. I was 28 when I went back to school to get a degree and pursue a career in journalism and a home life of marriage and kids. By 38, I had forgotten who I was at my core. My ambition was damaging my relationships and my career. The changes were more internal then, but just as important.
And now I'm 48. I decided not long after my birthday back in January that I was going to control my changes – I was going to make a go of being a novelist. I'd played around with that my whole life, it seems, and now I was going to give it a shot. There is nothing more I'd rather do than write my own stories for a living; dealing with the public on those terms only selling my own product. I've got two books out there now, and while they aren't best sellers they have brought me a couple of bucks and lots of encouragement. I honestly think I can make this happen where I'll be able to make a decent living off it, or maybe not. Here's what I know, though – every goal I've ever set for myself I've been able to accomplish. I know achieving goals take hard work and discipline. I can do that.
I am a little worried what 58 might bring, but that's 10 years down the road.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A taste of Golden

What follows is the first 10 or so pages of the novel I'm working on, which is tentatively titled "Golden." Truth be told, I'm not too hot on that title, but have yet to come up with anything better.
I'd certainly appreciate any constructive comments anyone has to make. I realize that there is not anything really to the story, but my aim is to draw readers in and establish characters and settings.

R


Sound first.
Birds, maybe grackles. A sparrow perhaps. Not a finch.
A raven chuckling? Not easy to hear, but there it was.
A dog barking, but not incessantly; more a happy nipping like a best buddy welcoming his boy home from school.
The dinging bell of Mercer's Drug Store. Chatting girls. Boys and such and giggles and an occasional squeal: teenagers.
A car. Fast car. Loud, really. The radio is playing an Elvis tune. Treat Me Right? No. Teddy Bear.
Ahh, smell now. Sensual, inviting.
Summer. Lilac bush nearby. Bread baking. Freshly mowed grass.
Billy Watson kept his eyes shut a little longer, savoring the sounds and smells. Once those senses were satiated, he opened his eyes. The sights were still blurry but soon came into focus showing him at the corner of Main and First in front of the Golden Bank and Trust. He checked himself carefully and found his body encased in a gray suit with a red tie. Arms and legs seemed to be working fine. He smiled; another successful jump into Golden, where he served as the town doctor. He checked his watch where it was counting down from 5:57:45, his standard six-hour shift had begun.
The Bank & Trust was the second largest building in Golden, and where his office was located. None of the people walking up and down the wide sidewalks noticed him or acknowledged he had appeared out of thin air. In the distance, Billy could see storm clouds forming and a booming of thunder rolled over the town. It occasionally rained in Golden, but the real show was in the lighting and thunder, which would never cause any harm. Instead of turning and walking into the Bank & Trust, where he had an office on the second floor, Billy hurriedly took off to the park.
Billy whistled as he crossed the street in front of the hardware store and hopped the curb. From the distance, he could hear the rumbling of what he knew was a 1932 Ford Coupe painted candy apple red with flames on the side getting ready to make a run down main street. The car belonged to Jerry Walker and Dan Stevens was probably helping with the tune up. Who else could it be? Ever since Jerry had gotten here, he spent his time working on and driving street rods. Jerry had found a kindred soul in Dan. In the material world he had been Gerald Boucher, a bald accountant who every day went to work in a gray office and worked with gray people. In Golden, Jerry would always be 17 and have an affection for fast cars and teenage girls with pony tails and poodle skirts. Dan Driscoll was the perfect sidekick for Jerry. In life, there are always leaders and followers; Dan was a follower. He spent a lifetime as a mechanic in a Dodge dealership, and although he obviously knew more about how a car worked than Jerry ever would, Dan was always there to hand Jerry a wrench or lend a hand when a transmission needed to be changed. Neither Jerry nor Dan questioned their relationship, it was what it was and the pair were inseparable. The only issue Billy ever had with them was trying to keep them from racing up and down the streets in their hot rods, but there really wasn't anything he could do to stop the friends.
Walking down the sidewalk to the park, Billy realized he was whistling the tune of Red River Valley – an old cowboy song and one of his grandmother’s favorites. The song was about loss and leaving. Somewhat fitting for Golden. Billy’s mother used to sing it to him when he was very young. The song had been taught to her by Billy’s grandmother. Before disease had taken her body and left her mind intact.
Billy didn’t know his grandmother as she once was. She was a ghostly figure through most of his life as his parents struggled with the stress of maintaining a household under the shadow of her illness. He would look through photo albums containing little moments of her time captured, printed and organized chronologically. Billy had wondered how someone whose charm sprang forth from the two dimensional confines of a photograph could become a skeletal human form cosigned to a life hooked to numerous life-maintaining machines in a nursing home. An existence, yes, but not living. Golden was designed for living.
Now Billy was going to meet the grandmother he had only knew through pictures and the recollections of his own mother. He was nervous. Would she like him? Would she even know who he was?
The walk to the park was short – most everything in Golden was only a brief stroll. A few residents chose to drive, but mostly just the ones who enjoyed driving. Billy headed north on Main Street, past the Chamber of Commerce, the Town Hall and Mercer's Drug Store, which had a soda fountain and a couple of booths where you could grab a bite to eat while waiting for your pills. There were a couple of people in the drug store, and Billy waved as he passed by. He knew each resident by name. He knew where they came from, their hobbies, their victories and defeats. And with most, he knew about what haunted their dreams. He was, after all, their doctor; although he knew little about their physical ailments. He was more interested in their brains. In Golden, people didn't get sick, but sometimes their minds did.
He took a left on Third Street, after stopping for a minute to look in the window of the five-and-dime. Third, like all of the ancillary streets in Golden, was shaded by a canopy of elms lining both sides of the street. A small boy in a pedal car drove straight toward him and Billy stepped to the side without acknowledging him. The homes he passed all had well-groomed yards, huge front porches and fresh paint. He made a mental note, though, to tell Ollie that maybe they looked too perfect. Maybe he would ask some of the residents what they thought. Golden, at times, seemed a little too perfect and maybe that's what kept it from being ideal.
He finally came to a low white picket fence surrounding Golden’s main park. The park took up a whole block and was dotted with trees, a gazebo and a playground. More residents sat on park benches and waved at Billy as he passed by. Lillian Weaver stopped him to complain about her hands. She looked to be about 20 years old, with dark hair and startling blue eyes. Her hands, however, looked to belong to an 80-year-old woman. Billy held them for a moment, inspecting them, then told Lillian to drop by his office in about two hours and he would see what he could do. She kissed him lightly on the cheek, which caused him to blush, although no one in Golden would have been able to see him blush. He begged off Lillian and made his way to the playground.
A small girl with rust-colored hair was busy building a sand castle. The girl’s pink pail and matching shovel were working furiously at scooping sand and packing it as she sang the same song Billy had been whistling a moment before.
“Ruth,” he called out. She looked up, unable at first to determine where the voice had come from, almost deciding it hadn’t existed at all. He called out again and walked toward her. She looked up at him when he was four paces away and smiled. Billy had a friendly face, that was almost a requirement to be a doctor in Golden, although the face he wore there wasn't really his own. He appeared much older than his own 34 years.
“Hello,” she said. “You look familiar, do I know you? I’m sorry, but I don’t remember your name.”
“My name is Billy Watson. I work here. I'm a doctor. I help people like you – to make sure you’re okay and answer any questions.” He knelt beside her so that he could look her in the eye, to see if there was that spark to which he'd become familiar; the one that told him a patient was able to understand Golden. Her green eyes studied him carefully. Her face was young and smooth, but her eyes looked upon him with the affection that a grandmother reserves for her grandchildren. His patients, no matter how young they looked, were all old souls. They had all seen so much in their long lives.
“Where am I? I feel like I’ve been asleep for such a long time. Is this … heaven?”
She got up and brushed the sand off her coveralls. Billy stood almost two feet taller than her. Her sun-bleached brown hair was tied back in a braided pony tail. Her freckles looked as if they had been splattered on by the light flick of a paint brush – she was a fair-skinned girl who had spent too many summer days out in the sun. Her coveralls came from a different era, more work clothes than a fashion trend.
“Where am I?” she repeated.
Billy pondered the question. He was never sure any answer he gave was satisfactory to Golden’s new residents. He was never quite sure how to tell his patients that their brains and bodies were hooked into two supercomputers, and that millions of cell-sized electronic microbes coursed through their blood stream and attached themselves to nerve endings, keeping their bodies alive while Golden was forged in their minds. Most new residents reacted with indifference when they learned their corporeal bodies were actually floating around in a vat of an electrically charged glutamate goo in an induced coma. Most of Golden’s residents suffered from diseases like ALS, cystic fybrosis or renal failure – disorders that robbed them of their bodily functions and left their minds to suffer. Most were old and came here for a retirement they never thought could exist. One computer watched over their bodies and the other transformed their fantasies into something tangible.
“It’s not heaven, here. It’s kind of like a dream that you can control. This town is called Golden, and it was created for people like you,” Billy said.
“Like me?”
“People whose bodies don’t respond to their thoughts anymore. This place was designed as a way to give folks like you a nice retirement.”
She nodded. Most knew from the beginning that Golden wasn’t genuine. Most remembered their long fall into their own thoughts, where the real world repeatedly folded in on itself until it made no sense at all.
“This is new technology?” There was a trace of excitement in her voice making Billy smile. She seemed just as he had imagined, inquisitive and not at all archaic. He nodded his head and she immediately asked how it worked. Billy explained the basics as they walked down back down Third Street, to Main and south to Elm.
Billy explained, Golden was a small town laid out in a simple grid of 15 tree-lined streets. Main Street stretched north and south a half mile in each direction from First Street. Going north, the east-west streets were numbered up to five. South of First, the streets were named for trees – Elm, Oak, Ash, Sycamore and Poplar. The east-west streets were two blocks long. Running parallel to Main were four streets, McKinley and Foster Roads to the east and Baker and Gerris to the west. There was no need for many of the buildings, but there was an abundance of parks, tall shade trees and a few places to throw a line into the water. It was the kind of mid-century American town found only in Hollywood backlots to signify a time that had long since passed. It was the ideal community in the minds of its residents, and its creators.
Main Street was lined with businesses with big windows and brick facades. There was the drug store, of course, and a hardware store. There was also a fix-it shop, butcher shop and an auto shop. There was a fire station, which was really extraneous because there were no fires in Golden. And there were also dentists, lawyers and doctors. There was the town hall, which was rarely used, and the largest building was the school at the very north of Main Street.
It was a small town and Billy loved to walk along its pastoral streets to clear his mind. Golden was populated by anywhere from 15 to 42 patients and close to 300 Seegees, computer generated “people” who looked liked anyone and no one. Golden lived up to its name. The temperature was usually comfortable, the sun shined constantly. Billy waved at two of his patients, Carmen Lugo and Ken Franklin, who were holding hands and sharing an ice cream as they walked. He met with all of the patients at least once a week to make sure everything was going okay, some people broke down mentally – they couldn’t handle Golden. Some had other physical problems that manifested itself in Golden, but no one had ever been pulled out of the town once they were placed in. All residents knew that their time in Golden was temporary and that Billy was their Grim Reaper – the man who would eventually come to take them their deaths.
All new residents were taken to Fred’s house for an unofficial orientation. It was easier for a resident of Golden to explain the town and its rules; and no one had been a resident of Golden longer than Fred. Billy was just a visitor to the town and could not use the computer interface in the same way residents could. While residents had millions of cell-sized nanoprobes attached to their nerve endings, Billy only had a thousand or so designed to have an eight-hour lifespan. It made it easier for Billy to transition between the two worlds, but it still took a toll on his body.
Before they could make the half-mile walk to Fred's house at the corner of Oak and McKinley, Ruth had grasped how the computers could turn her thought of a Granny Smith into a seemingly real apple. She took a bite and grinned when she tasted a sweet, delicious fruit.
“I haven’t used my real teeth to bite into an apple in years,” she said, taking a second crunchy mouthful. “This is delicious! It's just how I remember!”
“Of course it is, you made it, so it is what you expected,” Billy told her. “The computers work together to stimulate the neurons in your brain to fool you into thinking you just took a bite of apple. You can even put a worm in it if you want.”
“Why would I want something like that?”
“You would be surprised what people want when they come to Golden. It isn’t always pleasant. Almost everyone who lives here are suspicious of comfort and will put a thorn under the saddle just to make sure they are still alive. Plus, there are some things about Golden – some rules – that keep things from getting out of control. As you probably noticed, the rules of gravity are the same here as in the real world. We can't have everyone flying around and picking up buses, you know.”
Billy didn't say anything about the problems that arose in Golden from time to time; the invincibility most patients come to feel or even the sadness some residents experience because they know none of if is real. Better to keep those things to himself, he thought, no sense in frightening Ruth. He did explain that as with everything mechanical, there had been bugs to work out. Some people, especially those with a psychosis, didn’t adapt well to Golden. People suffering from a brain injury or suffered from diseases of the brain like Alzheimer's usually were missing important parts than to be anything other than savants in Golden. But the bigwigs with the Golden Foundation were hoping research Billy was doing as part of his job would one day make them viable patients.
“Who pays for all this?” Ruth asked, finishing her apple. “How did I get chosen? I can't afford anything like this.”
“Golden is funded through several sources, but mostly from private investors who hope some day that they will be able to make a profit on the service. The government, though, holds a pretty tight rein on what we do here. Through a charter granted to the Golden Foundation by the USDA, Health and Human Services and a half-dozen other agencies we are required to share everything we learn here and look out for the safety of our residents. And,” Billy said, not wanting to go too deep into the interference the government imposed on the Golden Foundation, “in order to operate, we are required to invite at least half of the population of Golden from a pool of candidates who cannot pay. For this, Uncle Sam pays us a grant. About half of our current residents are paying their own way, but it's a small amount compared to the actual cost.”
“Really?” she said. “How many residents are there now?”
“With you, we now have thirty-two, but we should be getting more in the next couple of weeks.”
“Paying customers?”
“I'm not at liberty to say,” Billy said. It was difficult to keep information from a blood relative, but rules were rules. “We respect our residents' privacy, and as a matter of course, that was one of the issues that held up our charter. The government was demanding too much access to information on the activities of our residents.”
Ruth thought for a moment then reached into her pocket a pulled out some bubble gum. She opened the wax packaging and stuck the gum in her mouth, relishing each chew while silently checking out the comic adventures of Bazooka Joe.
“So there's no cameras in here watching my every move, then?”
“Well,” Billy explained, “seeing as we are essentially talking to each other's minds, there wouldn't technically be any cameras. There is no record of your activities in Golden and the only thing we monitor is your vital signs. It's difficult to track 'movement' within Golden and the Foundation's board agrees that is an extraneous expense; we are unable to 'see' what parts of the town you explore. Your privacy is important to us, so you don't need to worry about that. For you, Golden offers whatever you want.”
“So I can wish anything into existence. If I want a big car or big boobs, I can have them?”
Billy nodded. “You can have anything you want within reason. There are some things that our computers are not capable of reproducing, but, for the most part, you can fulfill any … desire or dream that was deferred in your youth. We give folks another chance at what they’ve always wanted.”
As they mounted the stairs up to Fred’s porch, Ruth was busy creating a purple Popsicle and putting it into her mouth. Fred was in his usual place on the porch in front of an IBM Selectric typewriter. Billy noticed a half-filled ashtray with discarded marijuana roaches and a bottle of Pepto-Bismal sitting on a TV tray next to the typewriter. Fred hunted and pecked at the keyboard with amazing speed, a technique perfected over many years working a typewriter. Billy cleared his throat as he and Ruth stepped on the porch. Fred quickly removed his hunting finger and held it up, never taking his eyes from the manuscript as the pecking finger kept working. As quick as it was up, it was back at the keyboard. He jabbed the keys furiously, grinning like a madman.
Fred stopped and laughed. He was a tall man with a with unkempt blond and gray hair. The most prominent feature on his face was an unkempt gray beard and mustache. Fred’s blue eyes twinkled with mischief and he always wore an unbuttoned cabana shirt over a plain white T-shirt, which somehow made his little pot belly stand out. As usual, he was wearing cargo shorts and a pair of reading glasses was perched on the end of his nose. While most residents of Golden went out of their way to look young and fresh, Fred went out of his way to to look the opposite, which could never really hide the fact that at one point in his life he had teen idol good looks. That's why he was famous.
“Farts are even funny when you write about them,” he said giggling and taking a swig off the Pepto. Billy couldn’t help but laugh, too. Ruth looked at both men, waiting until she was introduced. Fred remembered he had guests and turned to them, fishing a breathe mint out of his pocket and sticking it in his mouth. The roaches and the ashtray disappeared, Billy knew that Fred liked to keep his smoking hidden – especially from people he didn't know. It was the worse kept secret in Golden.
“Billy!”
“Freddie!” Billy shouted back in the pair’s standard greeting to each other.
“I was just writing about farts, Billy.” Fred took another gulp of the stomach medicine. “Me and the old man had a routine – for the late nightclub shows – he would sneak around the stage while I was making fart noises. We had one bit where he was a guest at a high society party. It always killed, even at some of the classier places we played.”
From behind Billy, Ruth could no longer wait to be recognized.
“You …You’re Freddie McKenzie!” Fred didn’t miss a beat. A hat appeared in his hand above his head as if he had just removed it from his head and he scrunched his face up and gave a weird chortle. In nearly two blinks of an eye, Fred regressed in age, his hair grew in and lightened, the facial hair disappeared and he seemed to grow a little taller. He looked like a college student, his face hairless and fresh.
“I yam?” he said, stretching the words into a comic grin.
Now it was turn for Ruth and Fred to laugh together. Billy was not surprised at his grandmother’s reaction to Fred, all the new residents knew him. To a lot of them, he was Freddie McKenzie of the famous McKenzie Family, stars of stage, screen and especially television, where America watched Fred grow up every Thursday night for 11 years on “Andy and Agnes,” his parents' sitcom. Freddie had the most stellar career of the McKenzie Family, moonlighting as a teen heartthrob when he wasn't on the set. Fred chose his disheveled appearance in Golden because he had said it was what he was most comfortable with and “required the least amount of thought,” he had once told Billy. But every time someone recognized him from his teen idol days, he would easily shift to that image. Billy suspected that Fred spent some of his nights charming some of the female residents as famous Freddie McKenzie, although the older man would never admit that. Of all his patients, Fred was the toughest nut to crack. Most people would talk about everything with Billy. Fred would talk for hours and say almost nothing, so Billy was always careful to observe Fred, looking for small openings in the window to his psyche. And occasionally, Fred would let him see.
Fred may have been a star when he was younger, but he also had talents that reached far beyond fart jokes and hit records. Golden would not have been possible without Fred's genius, nor Freddie's seed money. Billy may not have been confounded by Fred's greeting – he'd seen it several times – but he didn’t expect the little girl standing next to him to turn into a teenager right before his eyes. He knew it was the computers making an adjustment to the Ruth’s concept of self image, just as Fred had done and something Billy had witnessed many times, although rarely with so little effort. Both the reason she aged and the technology to do so both had been Fred's dream and life's work.
“I never missed an episode of 'Andy and Agnes' and I bought all your records,” Ruth said, dancing from side to side with excitement. “I stood in line for three hours once to get your autograph at the Bijou, but you left before I could get to the front of the line. And now you are right here. Are you real, or are you one of those computer generated things Billy was talking about?”
Billy hoped she wouldn’t have too intense of an adrenaline rush, which could cause the computers to get a little confused. When that happened, they sometimes had to take a patient out of Golden and reboot the the resident's avatar. On rare occasions, it could take the whole system down, but that had only occurred once, which is why there is no skydiving allowed in Golden. It was one of the few glitches with the system that Ollie and his team were trying to fix.
“Do you think it would be all right if I got your autograph?” she asked. An autograph book and pen appeared in her hand. Fred grabbed it and began thumbing through it, looking for a blank page while reading the names out loud. Billy had never heard of most of them.
“Ralph Bellamy, good guy. Gloria Grahame, crazy gal. My pop fired her once, you know? She kept showing up on set drunk.” Fred paused on one page. “Johnny Mancini? Who’s that?” Ruth blushed.
“He was my first autograph. Johnny was Tommy in Brigadoon. I had such a big crush on him.”
“Brigadoon, huh? I played Jeff in a revival,” Fred said. “I loved that show. Were you in the show?”
“I played Meg,” Ruth said. “I so wanted to play Fiona, so … Well, Fiona got to kiss Tommy, you know? And that stupid Anita Folsom was Fiona. I was so jealous, they ended up nearly getting married, all because of Brigadoon...”
“Whatever happened to him? To Johnny?” Fred asked. Ruth aged another 10 years in an instant. Her face was not so carefree anymore, and in her eyes, Billy could tell she still loved Johnny Mancini.
“He got killed during the war. Vietnam. His name's on that wall in Washington, but I never got to see it.”
“There's a lot of names on that wall,” Fred said, walking to her and hugging her. After a minute of silent remembrances, Ruth pulled away, older but still attractive. Fred, too, had aged, not quite to his normal look, but close.
“I’m sorry Mr. McKenzie, I didn’t mean to get emotional on you. You just seem like you understand. There aren’t so many of us left, you know?”
“That’s quite all right,” Fred said with a slight bow. Taking her by the elbow, he led her to a small sofa that appeared on the porch. “Why don’t you lay down and take a nap?”
Ruth climbed onto the sofa, closed her eyes and went immediately to sleep. Billy sighed, as she turned back into a little girl once more.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

TV Season


Fall brings a wave of nostalgia and anticipation; all of it centered around the television.
For it is in the fall when football returns to Sunday afternoon and when the networks roll out their new series. That covers the anticipation. The nostalgia comes from the knowledge that the new television season doesn’t quite have the excitement it used to.
I harken back to those halcyon days when there were only three networks — four if you count PBS, which no one really did — and cable television was in its infancy. There was no Netflix, no DVR, no satellite dishes on every roof. Shoot, I didn’t even have a VCR until well into adulthood. Television was simpler then, and seemingly, more entertaining.
I don’t watch much television now — no cable, no dish and very little interest. But as a kid, I loved television. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I used to memorize the broadcast schedule of the major networks. The week started on Sunday with “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” followed, of course, by the “Wonderful World of Disney.” Tuesday was appointment viewing with “Happy Days” and “Laverne and Shirley.” Saturday, naturally, was Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart and Carol Burnett. Then throw in all the other great shows like “Welcome Back, Kotter,” “M*A*S*H,” “Barney Miller,” “WKRP in Cincinnati” and the “Six Million Dollar Man,” to name just a few.
There’s a saying that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. To some, these shows are pure trash, but to me they were treasure, an escape into 30-minute storytelling with a laugh track. Our choices were so limited, and the networks all started their seasons in the fall — saving summer for repeats in case you missed your show the first time around. We all were talking about the same shows the next day.
Now, there seems to be too much; and new seasons of shows start just about any time during the year. It’s nearly impossible to keep track of and you have to rely on friends with similar tastes to lead you to a good show. And the format of many of these shows require regular viewing or you become completely lost. (Which was the reason I could never get into watching “Lost.”)
And because the market is so diluted, the only way to find people who watch the same shows is to go online. For instance, the favorite show in our house now is “Chuck.” Haven’t seen it? Neither has anybody else, or at least anyone I know. So it’s difficult to stand around the watercooler and talk about last night’s episode. Instead, when you bring up your favorite show, the response you get is usually along the line of, “I’ll have to check that out online.”
There’s a part of me that loves the idea of being able to watch what I want when I want online. But there is a sadder part of me that misses the communal experience, even if it is just a television show. Some people get that, I guess, from shows like “American Idol,” but for me, it’s not even close.
One thing will never fail though, and that is the comfort in knowing that a lot of people still remember the Fonz, Steve Austin and George Constanza.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

New World Order: Pork Doughnuts


To promote its expansion into China, Dunkin’ Donuts has hired LeBron James as a pitchman.
More interesting, though, was the announcement that Dunkin’ Donuts would be offering pork doughnuts in its Chinese stores.
I repeat: pork doughnuts.
You may ask, “How can you do this?” From what I can determine after an extensive two-minute search on the Internet, the pork doughnut is essentially a regular jelly doughnut but instead of jelly, pulled pork is put inside. There were also photos of variations where a regular doughnut was sliced in two and served as the bread for a pork sandwich.
For someone who loves both doughnuts and pulled pork all I want to know is how I can get one of these. It could be horrible, but I suspect that this would probably taste like a sweet and sour pork sandwich.
If you put it on a stick, this would sound like something you would buy at the state fair.
A couple of years ago, a brilliant entrepreneur decided to sell hamburgers with Krispy Kreme doughnuts used for the buns. To my knowledge, it hasn’t replaced a cheeseburger from the American psyche.
What is unfortunate is that the pork doughnut will only be available in China, where a Dunkin’ Donuts corporate official said it was part of the local cuisine. I suspect this isn’t the real reason China gets pork doughnuts and we don’t — this is just the latest weapon in our fight against communism.
Let’s go to the facts, shall we? More and more Americans are becoming obese, leading to upticks in the incidence of heart disease and diabetes. The president’s wife and a bunch of other nanny types want us to stop eating this junk because of the incredible health care costs associated with obesity.
China has spent years building its own economy by virtually enslaving its children to build Nike shoes and iPods.
In order to stop China’s march toward world domination, we’re sending them our doughnuts, and we’re throwing in pulled pork just to make sure the job gets done.
Soon, we’ll be opening Cracker Barrel restaurants in downtown Beijing. The French used to complain about creeping Americanism in their country, with the youth of France buying up our movies, music and, yes, our fast food. They felt that all our bad habits would destroy their culture.
The Chinese, though, don’t seem to mind that our culture, such as it is, has gained a foothold in their country. In fact, they are probably working right now at cheaper knockoffs that violate our trade laws.
But the joke is on them. It may take years, but eventually our fast food culture will bring down communism. Have you ever heard of a fat communist? You soon will. Years from now, the Chinese will need their own Jared from Subway.
This strategy is fraught with complications, though. It could take years before the Chinese health care system is in disarray. For an American politician, thinking in the long term is difficult. For me, though, I am willing to cast my vote for the political party that has the courage to stay the course on this important operation.
Our way of life defends on it.
Of course, I’d probably vote for anyone who could get me one of those pork doughnuts. I know where my loyalties lie.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Writing Life


The act of creating “Art” is simple compared to letting people look at it. For three years, I spent most free moments working on a time travel novel. I'd read through it at least 25 times, virtually rewrote it twice and considered doing it a third time. It wasn't always easy, but I got through it and did what I intended to do – I threw it out there to be judged.
The response has been good and given me a bit of ego boost. Writing is lonely and you never really know if it has been worth all that time until it's too late to take it back. It's nerve-wracking, but satisfying when people like a creative work you've made.
Then there are the ones who don't. And with the internet, these “critics” have no qualms telling you how they feel.
I got a two-star review on “Time in the World” on Amazon. Here it is in its entirety:
This is an interesting and well-written book which does not have an ending. None of the mysteries are resolved, there's no special reason for the book to end at this point rather than some other point, and clearly the whole aim of this book is to convince you to buy the next installment in the series ... which I won't do. If this had been a complete novel, it would have been pretty good. As it is, I won't trust this author with any more of my time.”
My first reaction when I read that was, “What the heck has this guy ever done?” Now, I think I'm more amused by it than anything. I still don't care for the two stars – that can impact whether Amazon pushes the book and a bunch of other sales algorithms. So those two stars could hit me in the pocketbook, but I'm probably overreacting on that.
The more I read the review, the more I realized that I accomplished everything I set out to do.
First sentence: “ This is an interesting and well-written book that does not have an ending.” The key words are “interesting” and “well-written.” It proves I know what I'm doing. I would argue that the book does have an ending, but I understand the reviewer's point – he doesn't like book series. Honestly, I can't argue with him much there, I don't care much for a series. Harry Potter kind of drove me nuts and I've clearly been intimidated by the Game of Thrones books.
Clearly the whole aim of this book is to convince you to buy the next installment in the series …”
So why did I choose to make this the first book of a series? The reviewer answered the question himself, to get people to buy the next installment in the series. Despite what both of us feel, though, this is the market. And I do want people to buy more of my books. Plus, I kind of like the characters and situations I created and feel like I'm kind of just getting started with it. There also is a feeling that I spent all that time working at creating a world, I can't just abandon it now.
I wonder if that's how some other authors felt? From what I've read, Tolkien actually did create Middle Earth specifically for “The Hobbit” but that his friends and publisher kept encouraging him to expand and write more about all the elves and stuff. So he did, but like anyone who has every worked in a genre that required the creation of a whole other world knows, you got to come up with a back story to at least explain in your mind what is going on. I'm not a big fan of the fantasy genre, but I certainly appreciate the amount of work that goes into creating a world.
Despite negative reviews, though, I'm getting good response to Time in the World. Especially as its expanded outside of friends and acquaintences. It's sort of like being a parent. You show everyone photos of your kids and you hope that everyone finds them as adorable as you do. Some will, some will pretend to in order to spare your feelings and others will pretend there was never a photo of a kid and think of excuses to never bring up the subject again. I've been a journalist for nearly 20 years and know that it's impossible to please everyone. It's taken me years, but I do my best not to worry about critics, unless they have good things to say.
But I am human, which means I've got a fairly healthy ego. So it's nice when the ego gets fed. Last week brought two very nice ego strokes my way. The first was the royalty report on my books for the month of June. The second was a book signing in Eunice, New Mexico.
One of the things you learn about dealing with Amazon is that you can constantly check how many books you are selling. It's real convenient and a great tool to check the effectiveness of marketing schemes, but can can quickly become an obsession. Ask writer friends about their numbers and you'll see a look of anxiety flash across their faces. Then anything that comes out of their mouths will most likely be a lie. It's a lot like fishing.
So I was looking at my daily and weekly numbers, sometimes asking the computer screen how come more people weren't buying my book. It was looking like it would take some time to recoup all the costs associated with getting this thing done and out there. What I was neglecting to consider were sales outside of the U.S. and when I got the monthly royalty report, I got a very pleasant surprise. Which was what I call, “Very Cool.” Except now I've got more to be obsessed about, so it has come with its curses.
The second little ego stroke was a book signing at the Eunice Library. For a couple of years in the early 1980s, my mother was a librarian there and I spent many hours hanging out there. It's kind of an anomaly, I know. I'm large like a football player, but have always loved libraries. So when Kim, a friend from high school who works at the library, asked me if I would drive down for a signing, I could not say no.
I broke even on the trip, but it did my ego well. Plus, I got to see some old friends and talk about old times. How can you put a price on that?
For everyone who came out to the library, thanks for stopping by to say hello. And special thanks go out to Travis, who bought more books than he probably should have.


Sunday, June 30, 2013

Thank you for your support


I just wanted to start this out by thanking everyone who has bought or read one or both of my books. For the rest of you: What's taking you?
Both books are offered on Amazon, and the first one is available in other formats at just about all online book sellers. And because of the ease of self-publishing, now even you can feel like a movie mogul. I say this because I've become obsessed with my numbers. At least three time a day, I'll log onto Amazon and see how many people have bought my books. Now I know how Speilberg must feel on an opening weekend. Well, maybe it's not the same, but I do get a bit of an ego boost when I see I've moved some books.
I'd share those numbers with you, but one of the things I've learned about talking with other writer friends is to never reveal how your books are doing. I'm not sure why, but in comparison to someone like Stephen King or Dan Brown, my sales are very modest. In terms of my own expectations, it's still modest, but I should be able to make back the cash I've put into getting my own book out there. (Not counting the time I spent, I'll never get that time back.)
What I'm getting though, is much better. I've been getting a lot of support, words of kindness and sometimes exclamations of surprise. I'll get astonished “This is really good!” from some folks who expected something crappy. You might be saying to yourself, “Rory, they're lying to you.” Well, folks, I can tell when someone is lying. After years as a journalist, I can pretty much tell when someone is giving me the business. That was a skill developed over my years as an actor.
Friends would come back stage after seeing me in a play to tell me how wonderful I was. I could tell though – as an actor, I was marginal at best. This isn't to say I'm now this wonderful writer – I know I'm not. But I'm working at it and I appreciate those of you offering your words of support and spending your hard earned money on my books.
I've got two out now, and hope to have a collection of the columns I've written for the newspaper over the years to be out later this year. I anticipate that my third novel, which I'm working on right now, will be completed by the end of the year. I'm debating whether to go down the traditional publishing path with it or just self-publish again. I've finished a rough draft and it's a pretty decent story, with lots of potential. We'll see when its ready for some first readers.
Speaking of which, I will be looking for people who are interested in helping on a first reading, to give their impression on what works and what doesn't. Yeah, I know, I should just join a writers group for that kind of thing. Those groups are fine but usually find myself cast in a self-imposed editor role and get little of my own stuff done.
Again, thank you everyone for your support.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Hot, Sexy Photos


There is an inherent danger in entering your own name into a search engine. You never know what part of your past is going to pop up, or other scary things.
As a writer, though, you got to to it. You've got to at least attempt to see who might be stealing your stuff and selling it as their own. There are numerous sites that claim to be giving away my book for free, but so far none of them are really doing it. Mostly, those sites are looking to sucker people into buying something or trying to pass on a virus or malware.
Fortunately, a Google search of my name brings up the things it should on the first page – links to my work pages, links to buy my books and my social media accounts. The second page is nice, too. That's where you start to learn what I've been up to over the past 20 years, the awards I've won, the stories I've written for the newspaper over the years. I used to be a business reporter for a zoned section of the Albuquerque Journal. As such, I wrote a “focus on business” feature twice a week for about five years.
I used to tell people I was the most read writer in Albuquerque because of these stories – business owners would clip the story, frame it and put it on a wall in their establishments. So a customer would come in and read it.
It's been some years since I've written those stories, but I still like the kind of articles I like to call refrigerator stories – the kind of stuff that folks would cut out of the newspaper and post on their fridge, or keep in a scrapbook, or mail to a grandchild. (My grandmother used to do that.) Now, folks will post them on their websites, blog posts or social media. These stories aren't exactly hard news, but they're still fun to read and to write.
Then, there are links to issue stories and columns I've written. A couple years ago, for instance, I wrote a column about how I love libraries. That one spread to just about every library advocacy website in the world and still pops up on searches. And if you all are under the notion that I didn't do “real” news, there are links to stories I did on abusive priests, the lack of water in New Mexico and huge land development deals. Some of my stories have even been used in academic studies by people much smarter than me.
An article I did is even used in a biography of Barry McGuire. I had got a great quote from him about “Eve of Destruction.”
Other hits on my name turn up information on where I went to high school, when I was in the Air Force and a bit on my acting career. In the internet age, much of our lives is available for scrutiny online. Although I value my privacy, I know that my vocation is such that much of my life is played out in public. And having the unique name I have, it is easy to find me online.
But sometimes the internet gets a little confused. Some years ago, a film maker friend asked me to help him out on a short movie he was making. I took a day off from work to play an office worker. I'm not sure if I had a line, but it was fun and I got paid 30 bucks or something like that. Then I forgot about the movie until I recently ran across my page on imdb. The only problem is that imdb lists me as an actress, as in a female actor. I thought about updating that information – I'm not a woman despite what my PE coach in high school thought – but didn't care enough about it to go through the registration process at the website and let it slide.
Then a couple days ago, I was doing a Google check on my name when I came across a link that said this: “Hot Sexy Photos of Rory M. McClannahan: Cleavage, Boobs ...”

There are so many things wrong with that sentence. I'm 48 years old and I have no delusions about how I look. I look 48 years old. It's been some years since anyone could have used the adjectives “hot” or “sexy” to describe me. And while gravity has had its way with me, I don't think it's very nice to make fun of me because of it. So I need to do push ups, there's no need to laugh at me or tease me about cleavage and boobs.
Did I click on the link offering hot sexy photos of me? Of course I did. It takes you to an aggregator for celebrity wallpaper. No photos.
But what if there was? Is there really an internet fetish site for middle-age man cleavage? And furthermore, am I going to have to start keeping my eye out for the paparazzi?
Well, I guess if it helps my writing career ...

Saturday, June 22, 2013

A sign written in the rocks


Another old column, this one from 2008. One day, I'll plan this blog site a little better. But, you know, I get busy doing other things. Enjoy.

     We all look for signs as we go about our daily lives. It comes from a basic distrust of our own instinct, and sometimes all we need is a something to lead us in what we perceive is the right direction. A nasty cough could be telling you to give up those cigarettes. Or perhaps the proverbial lipstick on a collar leads you to leave a mate. Who among us hasn’t asked the Creator for an indication of what to do?
     Signs relieve us of responsibility and places our lives in the hands of fate.
     The signs I look for are the ones telling me that no matter how messed up the world may be, there is something to confirm the basic goodness of mankind. A smile from a pretty girl, a complete stranger who lets me merge on to the freeway, or a parking space close to the store are all minor reasons to celebrate, and too often we let these signs dissipate into our stressful days.
     This is where Janet and Russ come in, because people who care about them have transformed road signs into a metaphysical marker.
     I don’t personally know Janet and Russ, but they make me smile every time I drive to the transfer station in Tijeras or into Albuquerque. I don’t know their last names and, really, it isn’t important information. I like to think that Russ and Janet are a couple, but I can’t say that.
     Both old Route 66 and Interstate 40 through the canyon have warning signs telling motorists to watch out for falling rocks. Some of these signs have the silhouetted illustrations of a large rock getting ready to smash a car. All of them have a small rectangle sign simply warning “ROCKS.”
     Someone, I’m thinking it might have been Russ, attached a small white plywood rectangle above one of these signs so that it now says, “Janet ROCKS.” To those of us born after the Kennedy Administration, saying that someone rocks is one of the greatest compliments — it means that we are deserving of a seat at the cool kids’ table. It means we are relevant.
     Someone cares for Janet and wanted to let her know as she commutes to town.
     Sometime after I noticed that Janet ROCKS, I discovered another road sign stating that “Russ ROCKS My World.” I’m assuming that Janet scribbled this with a marker, but really, I don’t know if was her.
     I do know that Russ is one lucky guy. It’s one thing to rock, but quite another to rock someone’s world. Put it this way: it’s one thing to love, but quite another to be loved.
     Both of these signs got me to thinking about the people I care about and what I do to show them how I feel. Hollywood has taught us that the only valid gesture of affection is a grand one. And those are fine, but who has the energy to maintain that, and flowers can get expensive. There are many small things we can do for our loved ones to show we care, such as scrape the ice off the windshield in the morning, take out the garbage, give a back rub, keep the kids away during a weekend nap, return the videos to the store or do the grocery shopping.
     And there are many things my loved ones do to show they love me, like when my father buys breakfast or when my wife just looks at me like she did when I asked her to marry me. These are signs that I rock someone’s world and it humbles me.
     So while at least two people tell us through simple acts of vandalism on road signs about their feelings for Russ and Janet, we learn that love still exists and showing it isn’t that difficult.
     Thank you Russ and Janet.





Sunday, June 9, 2013

A Press Release


Time in the World” by Rory McClannahan now available in e-book and paperback
Following a modern tradition started by Mark Twain with the 1889 publication of “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court,” author Rory McClannahan unleashes his own take on time travel with the release of “Time in the World.”
Daniel Monroe spends his days walking around his neighborhood looking for the meaning of life in the faces of the people he meets. After an existential crisis, Monroe cashed out of his life of a corporate cog, leaving behind his nice apartment, cool friends and bright middle-management future. After four months of healing his damaged psyche, it was time to get back into the job market. His cashed out retirement account was running low and, of course, there was the pretty girl behind the counter at the neighborhood deli who didn't have much interest in an unemployed layabout.
As luck would have it, there is a job available at Serendipity Antiques, a shop that specializes in finding items no one else can. It's owner, Jaspar Cummings, is a little odd and he doesn't seem that interested in running a business. The store is a mess where valuable items are tossed aside and forgotten. It isn't long before Cummings lets Monroe in on a secret – Cummings works for a few select clients and is able to acquire almost anything because he is a able to travel in time. And what's more, he will soon give Monroe the device that makes it possible – a device that has been passed from one traveler to another for centuries. There is just one more job that needs to be done.
However, there is more to traveling in time than twisting a few dials.
Author Rory McClannahan is an award-winning newspaper editor and columnist in New Mexico. His first novel, “Blind Man's Bluff” is available at all major e-book retailers.
Time in the World” is available in paperback and e-book format at Amazon.com.
An electronic review copy has been included with this e-mail. Interviews with the author can be set up by email at writerrorymcc@gmail.com. Check out Rory's blog at www.sageofbarton.blogspot.com.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Young Fogey

Over the past decade or so, I've written a weekly column first for the Albuquerque Journal and now for the Mountain View Telegraph.
Today, I'm working on other projects that need to get done, so I offer regular readers this column from 2011. -R


We’re all doomed to become old fogies. I became one on March 26 at 10:03 p.m. I was in bed reading while the TV played the over-the-air music video channel when Lady Gaga came on with her latest hit, “Born This Way.”
I was completely baffled. I didn’t “get it.” I don’t understand her popularity. I don’t understand why people — kids — would pay for that.
At first, I was a little scared. I’m part of a generation who were latchkey kids and slackers. Music videos, and video games, were invented for me and my peers. I’ve gone to concerts with 100,000 other people my age. I’ve grown my hair long, stayed up all night listening to music in a girl’s basement apartment just in hopes of getting a kiss. I married a woman who when I first met her had green hair.
I’ve experimented, for crying out loud! I wasn’t supposed to become a fogy.
And yet, all I could think as I watched Lady Gaga dressed in only her underwear go through the poses of the Kama Sutra was that this must be some sort of joke.
And then I felt sorry for my kids; and I especially felt sorry for anyone who has daughters. I felt sorry for my sons because this, and Britney Spears, and the Black Eyed Peas, and Miley Cyrus, and Beyoncé, and all of them is what they have for popular music.
There’s no Elvis there. No Beatles. No Duran Duran. No REM, U2, Blondie, Nirvana or AC/DC. All they have is a veneer of pop culture that is completely contrived and interchangeable. This isn’t to say that pop stars haven’t always had an eye toward fashion, or the popular things I liked as a kid weren’t contrived by some record company executive to sell more records. But there were also stars who rebelled against the facade — that’s what made rock ’n’ roll so appealing.
I feel for anyone with a daughter, because their pop stars are creating an image that no one can live up to. And of course if you don’t try, peer pressure will assure you are cast as an outsider. This also gives our young men and boys a measure of beauty and morals that no one could or should aspire to.
I was raised during a time of feminism, when women were striving to be treated as something more than objects. And while I don’t consider myself a feminist, I grew up thinking that someone was fighting for the right for women to be taken seriously for their brains instead of their breasts. Now we have young girls who believe the only way to become popular is to sexualize and objectify themselves.
How does a parent fight against that? How do you instill a work ethic in your children when their pop stars are discovered more through chance than talent?
I find my hope for the future, though, in my own children. My oldest son, Connor, is 13 years old and plays the drums, the guitar, the bass and sometimes he fiddles around with an accordion his uncle gave him.
He hates current popular music. A mention of the Jonas Brothers or Fall Out Boy elicits a look and sound of disgust. If anyone can save rock ’n’ roll, it will be him and the kids who listen to so-called “classic” rock that is popular on video games like “Guitar Hero.”
In the meantime, I have to quell my fogyness lest Connor look for something to use in a rebellion against me.
Lady Gaga would do the trick.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Middle Age Dread?


Only the young have such moments.”
That's the opening line of “The Shadow-line; A Confession” by Joseph Conrad. It's one of my favorite stories ever about the existential threshold one crosses between youth into adulthood. Conrad even comes out and says that in his second paragraph of the story:
One closes behind one the little gate of mere boyishness—and enters an enchanted garden. Its very shades glow with promise. Every turn of the path has its seduction. And it isn't because it is an undiscovered country. One knows well enough that all mankind had streamed that way. It is the charm of universal experience from which one expects an uncommon or personal sensation —a bit of one's own.”
I first read this story in my late 20s about the time when I had finally convinced myself that getting a college degree might be important. It struck a chord with me because, at the time, I had recently crossed my own shadow-line, I was an adult but I could look back and still see the sharp outlines of my youth.
I had finally reached that point of maturity that I had always longed for as a child. The story was assigned reading in a literature class and some in that class I know were turned off by the nautical setting Conrad uses, but the language is pure and the emotion is sincere – you believe the author knows what he's talking about. Some of my classmates, though, were still on the naïve side of that line.
The shadow-line, the story implies, is that the changes from one era of a life is not always so easily defined in the moment, but a fuzzy line that you only realize you've crossed in hindsight. What Conrad doesn't explore in this story, thought, is that a lifetime is filled with numerous shadow-lines. Where are the romantic notions of crossing that shadow-line of simple adulthood into middle age? I'm sure they are out there, but right now I'm too immersed in that transition to want to read about it. Things like this are best left to nostalgia.
The author in his "shadow-line" phase
I think about these things as I nurse a sore, arthritic knee. When I tore the thing up at 17, the orthopedic surgeon at the time that I would one day face a knee replacement. Over the past 30 years numerous orthopedic specialists have repeated that diagnosis. Each time, I laughed it off, that was “in the future.” And, of course, I convinced myself as a young man that when the time came, medical technology would be such that I would be closer to the Six Million Dollar Man than some gimping old man.
Now, the decision on knee replacement is getting closer and closer, and I'm a little offended about that. I've got an appointment with the ortho doc next week about the prognosis on my knee. Talk about confronting middle age.
All of this is swirling around at the same time I've been going to regular check ups. Last week, I had my six month dental cleaning and am now set up to get a partial bridge installed where I had a tooth pulled years ago. I had my annual physical exam, which I usually schedule closer to every other year. If you are an egocentric kind of person, the physical can be either the best or worst kind of experience. For starters, the experience is all about you – your blood, your weight, your blood pressure, your hearing, your everything. If you don't like to hear criticism and judgments about how much ice cream you eat, you probably won't enjoy it.
I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm 48 years old – I feel it every morning – so it doesn't bother me that much to hear what's going on with my body. Plus, going in, I figured that the results were going to tell me what I already know – I got some extra pounds I need to shed. My doc had scheduled this physical when I came in for a referral to orhto. I could see the concern and judgment or her face – she had my weight and blood pressure numbers for that appointment. Both were too high in her estimation, but she didn't ask me if I had just finished an energy drink before my appointment. Those things are great for a jolt to wake you up, but don't really help on blood pressure checks.
The author in middle age
So, I got the blood work ups and came in for the once over. I think the doctor was a little surprised and perhaps disappointed that my cholesterol levels are well within normal and that my triglycerides were only slightly elevated. My good fats are a little low and my heart is good and strong. My PSA levels on my prostate are fine – but not well enough to forgo the physical check of that tricky little organ. Whose idea was it to put the prostate right near a bodily exit?
So, barring some unfortunate event or illness, it looks like I'm destined to be around for a few more years. The one test I flat out failed was my hearing test, a new test where a machine does a radar mapping of your inner ear, or something like that. I can still hear well enough, but I know a hearing aid is somewhere in my future – a genetic disposition toward hearing loss is coded in my DNA.
So I get to confront my middle-agedness.
As I've been thinking about this over the past week or so, I was trying to convince myself that the shadow-line into middle age is marked by physical ailments. Conrad would have laughed at me for my narrow thinking. It's true that the physical gives us constant reminders that shit eventually falls apart, but it is our emotional health that tends the suffer the most. It comes down to the fact that there is very little anymore that is surprising and new.
Think of it like this: Remember all the firsts in your life – your first crush, your first kiss, your first love, your first broken heart. These induce very strong emotions, and even their memory can move us and we savor those emotions. There are days when I long for the feelings I had when I was younger – it's more addictive than cigarettes and just as bad for you. When you begin to reach middle age, you come to the realization that the world doesn't hold much surprise anymore, so you go seeking those things. But in the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar, “It's a trap!” You can only fall in love for the first time once. That doesn't make second and third loves any less valid or fulfilling; but it's just not the same.
I know I'm passing into this garden of middle age, and I know that all of mankind has passed there before me. And I'm actually looking forward to “the charm of universal experience from which one expects an uncommon or personal sensation,” as Conrad wrote. It's something new, and I can only experience once. It seems, like a first love, to be something to savor.